defeat

i think i am a little fixated on elijah right now.  :-)  or maybe it's just that i have more to learn from him right now.  sunday, god used elijah to remind me about mindfulness - living in the present, in his presence.  i have to stop dwelling on the past and dreading the future and just be still and let god be god.  yesterday, god reminded me that he knows i am weary, but just like he did for elijah, he will sustain me, if i will only let him.  today, i saw yet another similarity between him and me.  we both feel defeated.

elijah has done all of these incredible things for god and has seen all of these amazing miracles.  but as soon as his life is threatened, he forgets all about those and has a pity party. he tells god that all the other prophets have been killed and so he is the only one left.  and, to top it off, the people who killed the other prophets are trying to kill him now too.  as my friend beth's mom used to say as she patted you on the back, "pity, pity pity."  :-)  i don't know about anyone else, but i think having a good pity party sometimes is exactly what the doctor ordered!  the problem is that when i am having a pity party because i feel the world is beating me up or some metaphorical jezebels are trying to kill me or i'm not getting the (fill in the blank) that i think i deserve, it's not pity i am feeling.  it's defeat.

pity is defined as the act or capacity for sharing the painful feelings of another.  defeat, on the other hand is frustration due to a prevention of success.  pity is directed outwards, towards another.  defeat is focused inward, on myself.  pity gives me the opportunity to grow in compassion, caring and mercy.  it teaches me to look at others and feel the pain they feel and see things through their eyes.  it allows me to be used by god to alleviate the suffering of another.  defeat does none of those.  defeat draws my eyes inward, to focus on my needs and wants.  it makes me blind to those around me and erases my memory of all that i have and all that has been done for me.  whereas pity draws me closer to god, defeat turns me away completely.

how do i overcome defeat?  well, elijah overcame it by telling god why he was hiding in the cave on mt. horab.  and then he let god remind him of his purpose and set him back on the right path.  i think i have to do the same thing.  i need to be mindful and allow god to continually remind me of my purpose.  i need to rely on god to sustain me when i am weary.  and then, i need to tell god why i am hiding in my cave.  if god treats me anything like he did elijah, he won't admonish me for being less than perfect.  but neither will he allow me to wallow in my defeat.  instead, he will remind me of my purpose.  and then he will take me by the hand and lead me back onto and down the right path.  

weariness

yesterday, i wrote about how like elijah I have been – dwelling on the past and worrying about the future – instead of living in the present.  when i re-read that story, i realized that elijah and i have something else in common – weariness.  after jezebel sends her servant to threaten elijah, he runs and hides in the desert, fearing for his life, and there he tells god that he has had enough.  oh my goodness!  i can’t count the number of times i have told god that i have had enough, that i am too tired to go on, that i just want a break, that i am weary.   in his weariness, elijah only saw his fears and he wanted to walk away from everything and just give up.  instead of granting elijah his desire that god take his life, however, god twice sends an angel to elijah with bread and water.  on the second visit, the angel says to elijah, “get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.”   instead of letting elijah die in the desert, god recognized elijah’s weariness and provided him the sustenance he needed to continue on his journey.  god never gave up on elijah, even when elijah had seemingly given up on god.   

not too long ago, the powers that be changed the radio station I used to listen to into a sports talk station.  so, I changed the buttons on the radio to npr and the all news station for my commutes.  this morning, however, in an effort to continue my quest for mindfulness, I put in a cd – city on a hill.  as I listened to one of the songs, I was struck by how appropriate it was for how I have been feeling.

and i can hear your voice inviting:
i'm here,
i'll never leave your side
my stubborn weary child
i am still here
please let me lead you on
your race is already won
i am your god.  

(sixpence none the richer - i'm here)

i am definitely feeling stubborn and weary.  but even when, in my stubborn weariness, i have seemingly given up on god, he is right there by my side, just like he was for elijah, waiting for me to lean on him and let him sustain me.  more than that, however, he is there reminding me that my race is won and that all i have to do is let him lead me to the finish line.  god knows that i will get weary.  he knows that the journey will sometimes, oftentimes, all the time, be too much for me.  but it doesn't matter how slow i go or how many breaks i may take or how many times i may stop and have to restart.  the end result will always be the same.  he has already run the race for me and clocked his time as mine.  christ's winning time is also mine.  all i have to do is eventually cross the finish line. 

mindfulness

i have been struggling a lot lately with different things and i couldn't figure out why life was seeming so hard.  i am a member of a team on etsy and i read a post on the team forum the other day that started me thinking about my life and why i may be feeling the way i am. i posted about it on the forum and there was a response from a very wise woman about living mindfully and that made me think even more.  mindfulness -  the idea of enjoying each moment for what it is and not dwelling or anticipating - sometimes seems to me like this elusive state that i will never attain.
 
one of my favorite bible characters is elijah. he was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and alone.   instead of seeing all that god had provided for him to keep him safe and sound, he saw the past with its fears and failures and the future with its fears and uncertainty.  so god told elijah to stand on the mountain and wait for him to pass by.  so elijah waited and there was a huge wind, but god wasn't in the wind. then there was an earthquake, but god wasn't in the earthquake. then there was a fire, but god wasn't in the fire. after the fire, there was a gentle whisper. and there was god.

god had to show elijah that he needed to stop dwelling on the past and worrying about the future and just be in god's presence.  he needed to ignore all the winds, earthquakes and fires and listen for the whisper.  i think sometimes i am just like elijah.  i am so busy focusing on the winds, earthquakes and fires in my life that i miss the gentle whispers. and when i miss the gentle whisper, when i forget to be mindful and focused on the present and his presence, the past and the future overwhelm me with their failures, fears and uncertainty.

how many of us take time to just be? do we ever make time to be quiet, breathe and listen to the gentle whisper of the lord? i wonder if the first step to mindfulness is to escape from the busyness and noise for a few minutes each day and just be still - be still and know that he is god and he is waiting for us to enjoy his presence in the present.